Love and Marriage

We're going to start at the end and work backward here. You're married. It's not what you expected it to be. What did you expect it to be? Let's just start with … what is it?

What is Marriage?

Why do people get married? What does it mean to be married? And how does one of these Marriage thingies work?

Marriage is essentially the formal act of the creation of a nuclear family. It does several things. First, it says to the community, “Hey. We’re out of circulation. We’re off limits to other partners from now on.” And this serves both as a notice to the community and as a promise to each other.

Now… why do we do this?

Let’s face it. We dated because we were physically attracted to each other. We kept dating because we liked each other. We got married because we wanted the security it provides. And we had kids before we were ready because … we were physically attracted to each other.

Companionship, A Home, and Children

Companionship

We’re social beasts, and we need companionship. But this isn’t just about companionship. Friends can be companionship, but this is a bigger deal. Here you’ve decided you’re going to get in the same boat as a team and take that single boat through life together. Where you go, I go. Where you need support, I will support you. If you tire, I will paddle harder while you rest. Where you fail, I will compensate. We will combine our efforts to make both of our lives better, playing off of each others' strengths and covering for each others' weaknesses. Love for the other, and trust in the other. You’re saying, “I’ve got your back, and I’m not going anywhere.” That is important moral and physical support. And thus we will be stronger than two alone.

Home

This companionship is definitely important to our well-being as humans. Having someone intimately familiar with your joys and sorrows, your likes and dislikes, your strengths, your weaknesses …. your dreams your fears – gives you a mutual history that enriches your lives. The further down the river of life you have gone, the richer the history. A good marriage gets to be like your favorite comfortable shoes. The familiarity, the fit. This is a Home. And it is the ideal situation to bring a child into the world.

No, it’s not always pleasantries. Life has its ups and downs, and we are flawed individuals. But it’s easier and more rewarding with a partner to share it with than alone. Unfortunately, sometimes we forget all of this, because we are imperfect and we lose sight of the big picture in the day to day details of our lives and our emotions.

Family & Children

When a couple becomes parents, the circle gets bigger. It is important for children to be raised in a secure environment where they can feel secure in that – my parents have my back. And as a child grows in this secure environment, he learns mainly by example how to handle successful relationships himself. There are all kinds of statistics that show that children raised in a two-parent, nuclear family are far less likely to be failures as adults. They are far less likely to turn out to be criminals, they do better in school, they have fewer emotional problems. They're happier people throughout life, in general.

When a couple has children, the number one priority in the marriage shifts to the successful upbringing of those children. But, almost paradoxically, the number one statistical contributor to the successful upbringing of those children is a successful marriage. If you let it slide, you endanger your child's future well-being.

What are we even doing here?

A lot of people, when they get a dog or a parakeet will go out and buy books on the proper care and feeding of dogs or parakeets. Or if they buy a sailboat they will read up on the care and maintenance of a sailboat. Or the proper maintenance of a car. Or how to run a business. They want to be responsible pet owners, and they want their cars to last as long as possible. They want their business to succeed.

However, most people who get married are just winging it. This is a shame, because it turns out this is the most important endeavor of your life. This relationship. More important than your dog, your cars, your house, your job -- It is literally the center of your life, the thing that must come first over all other worldly endeavors. If not, then you are doing something wrong. If not, then what is your life about? Why did you want to get married in the first place? Ah. You remember?!

Some people are lucky and had dads who knew a lot about cars, or Moms that knew a lot about keeping a household together, or parents that knew how to keep a marriage on an even keel and intact. And their examples pass this knowledge and their associated habits to their kids. And so they’re less likely to need to read up on these things.

Some people are not, and it’s not necessarily their fault. But when you’re thrashing about in the water and not having a very good time, the first thing you should do is figure out how to swim. The sooner, the better. And if you can get help doing that, then by all means, get the help. This is important! You're on stage. This is the show.

Just because things get bumpy doesn’t mean you made a mistake getting married. More likely, you made a mistake in your marriage. Or possibly more than one. Probably. We all do it. Nobody’s perfect. Nobody. Most likely, the damage can be repaired.

What are the things that hold a marriage together?

In a nutshell, Love and Trust.

Sounds simple. But it's also pretty easy to break. It’s almost like one of those role-playing or video games where you have hit points. Say you have a character who has a fire strength of +5. In marriage, let’s call it trust strength. So let’s say you start your marriage with +5 Trust from your spouse. And I say “from”, because trust is something you earn from someone else. It is not due you by default. You have some upfront at the start (or hopefully you would have decided not to get married), but you can do things – even without ill intent, that erode that trust. But you can also build trust.

What kinds of things build trust?

First, Honesty. And transparency -- which is a form of honesty. Transparency does two things. One, it shows your spouse have nothing to hide. And two, it gives you a disincentive to do things you might feel the need to hide. It keeps you honest.

Also, actually having the other person's back.  When one of you really needs the others help, coming through with that help, even if it inconveniences you -- especially if it inconveniences you -- is a big trust builder.

How does one be transparent?

Mainly through communication. You literally share your lives with each other. Where did you go today? Who did you see? What did you do? Share these with your spouse – every day. Did something bug you? Why did it bug you? Ask. Take an interest. And tell. That’s part of companionship. It also gives you a good idea of the general happiness of your spouse and where they may need some support.

How does one be honest?

It’s a shame we have to spell this out, but these days, we do. By being honest, I don’t mean just avoid saying anything that is technically untrue. Withholding key information is dishonesty. Intent to mislead or to keep someone from arriving at the actual truth is dishonesty. And that goes back to being transparent. Partners don’t get together to see what they can get away with. They get together for mutual support. Trust is a part of that mutual support.

What is Love?

I point to this as Biblical evidence of something I consider to be obvious. Cor: 13 1-3

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

If you are King of the World and you don't have Love, You Are Doing It Wrong. In short, Love is the entire point of Human Existence. It is said that God is Love, and thus it ties in with the fact that God made us to serve and share in Him. How do we do that? Through Love. It’s wired into us, too, as we are created in God’s image. But we have an animal nature, too, and though parts of this lead us to love in the first place, parts of it also get in our way.

What Love actually is tough to nail down. We often mistake passion for love. Passion often leads to love, but love is not passion. Still, they are thus easily confused.

Even the Bible has trouble nailing it down. Cor 13:4-7, though, is a good start in gathering evidence for what it is.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And you can’t just pick one or two of these things and chuck the rest. They’re all a part of it. If you could remember and remember well nothing more than these seven verses and apply them to your family life, you will do better than 90% of humanity.

Love comes, I think, primarily out of the fact that we see ourselves in others – and with some people, we form a very direct connection to that part of ourselves in those few others. I see you hurt, and I recognize what you are feeling, I end up feeling your pain myself. The stronger this is, the more direct the connection.

How do you lose trust?

Once you understand what builds trust, the pitfalls and solutions become obvious. One of my favorite books of all time is Norton Juster's “The Phantom Tollbooth”. In the second chapter, the main character, Milo, stops paying attention, stops thinking, and gets lost in a place called The Doldrums. And after a while of being frustrated by the lack of purpose and do-nothing attitude of the inhabitants, he wants out.

“I was on my way to Dictionopolis when I got stuck here”, explained Milo. Can you help me?”

“Help you! You must help yourself”, the dog replied, carefully winding himself with his left hind leg. “I suppose you know why you got stuck.”

“I guess I just wasn't thinking”, said Milo.

“PRECISELY”, shouted the dog as his alarm went off again. “Now you know what you must do.”

“I'm afraid I don't”, admitted Milo, feeling quite stupid.

“Well”, continued the watchdog impatiently, “since you got here by not thinking, it seems reasonable to expect that in order to get out, you must start thinking.” And with that he hopped into the car.

If you build trust primarily through transparency (openness) and honesty, it stands to reason you lose it when you are secretive and/or dishonest. Conversely, if you lose trust through secretiveness and dishonesty, you gain it by being truthful and open.

Trust is a valuable asset in a relationship and should be built and protected at every opportunity. Building trust not only keeps your spouse more at ease and feel more secure in your relationship, it allows you more freedom as well. Don't abuse it!

How do you lose love?

Secretiveness and dishonesty are the enemies of trust, and mistrust and resentment are the enemies of Love.

And here's the kicker. Mistrust and resentment breed secretiveness and dishonesty.

See why this gets ugly, fast?

So if you want to fix it, #1, put aside the chicken and egg question. If you want to fix it, it doesn't matter who started it. What matters is that it be stopped. Understand that your emotions and negative actions are now feeding off of each other in a recursive cycle, spiraling downward, and you both need to break that cycle. It won't come naturally. It will probably be outside your comfort zone. But you'll have to just go through the motions at first.

Milo began to think as hard as he could (which was very difficult, since he wasn't used to it). He thought of birds that swim and fish that fly. He thought of yesterday's lunch and tomorrow's dinner. He thought of words that began with J and numbers that end in 3. And as he thought, the wheels began to turn.

“We're moving! We're moving!”, he shouted happily.

Eventually, you'll start moving, too.

Howdo you know Love?

If you've ever had a child, chances are you know what love is when you have it for someone else. You've felt it, anyway. We're fairly hard wired to bootstrap into love with our children. Their happiness makes us happy. Their sadness makes us sad. We want what's best for them. We feel we'd do anything for them (as long as it wasn't detrimental to their well being), and sometimes we just can't help ourselves even then. Granted, these are symptoms and not Love itself, but Love causes us to want these things for them.

Between spouses, it starts with physical attraction, deepens with recognition of commonality, and cemented with trust and formally recognized and promised for life in marriage. You want to pass it on to your children, and to your culture, and to Mankind for the rest of time.

Love. It's entire purpose of human existence. Know it. Teach it. And if you've lost it, learn it again, cultivate it, and get it back.

My last post is a song I wrote a few years ago about all of this.